


Run Away

by universecollapsing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-03-24 15:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3774463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/universecollapsing/pseuds/universecollapsing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas kisses Dean, and shit ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End of All Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas kisses Dean, and runs away.

     Cas had been so, so careless.

     From the moment he woke up, everything was off.  It was nearly impossible for him to keep his eyes off of Dean in that suit, and so he didn’t.  He invaded the man’s personal space even more than usual, standing less than a foot from him at all times.  Cas even licked his lips blatantly as his eyes skimmed over Dean, catching every small detail.  Not that he hadn’t observed it before at every chance he got.

     It was ridiculous, how much Cas loved Dean.  With every single fiber of his being, he wanted to make him okay.  Every single time that Dean got hurt, it hurt Cas even more.  And now, with the damn Mark of Cain, things were looking very bleak.  It seemed as if Dean might actually die, and Cas would be powerless to do anything about it.  He would be gone, gone for good.

     That should have made it even easier for Cas to hold back.  It would be awful to have Dean hate him in his last few months.  But he wasn’t thinking about that.  The only thought coursing through his mind was the way Dean’s lips looked as he pursed them, pouting.

     “Cas, why the hell don’t you want me to go out drinking?  It’s not like we’re making any progress on this damn case anyway,” he protested.  “I really, really need to get laid.”

     He rolled his eyes in frustration and pushed him back against the wall, pressing his lips against Dean’s.  Realizing the enormous mistake that he had made, Cas stomped back to his room and slammed the door shut.

     It had been years.  Years in which he had held himself back from making any sort of advances.  Years in which he had thrown away various letters that professed his feelings, in which he made it all the way to Dean’s door before turning back.

     And now, everything was over.

     It wasn’t like Cas to cry, but he was considering it now.  Maybe tears would make him feel better, as if he wasn’t such a colossal failure.  He changed his mind immediately.  He deserved to feel horrible, as a punishment for kissing Dean when the cursed man definitely didn't want that.

     He shed his trenchcoat and kicked off his shoes, not bothering with the rest of his clothing.  Cas crawled into his unmade bed and squeezed his eyes shut.

     His fingers gripped the side of the bed in frustration.  He wanted more than anything to go back in time and undo his actions.  He wanted to be human so that he could sleep and make the world just fade away for hours, so that there would be some hope of this being a dream.

     But it wasn’t.  This was real, and Cas needed to either truly escape or face his problem.

     Escape seemed the better option.

     He pulled out his suitcase and got to work.  Since he didn’t have many clothes, there wasn’t very much to pack.  Really, Cas didn’t even need to pack at all.  It was just something to comfort him and prepare him for the journey away from the bunker.

***************

     Neither Dean nor Sam noticed that he had left.  It had been almost a day, and they hadn’t called his phone.

     That was reasonable, considering the amount of times he left the bunker in a search of a cure for the Mark, but Cas couldn’t help feeling hurt.  He tried to push the feeling away, to no avail.

     “Stop,” he ordered himself.  “You do not deserve the affection of the Winchesters.  You have made far too many mistakes.  You have even tried to murder Dean.  Just because you love him does not mean you should get to have him.”

     Pulling over to the side, Cas parked the car and got out.  He was next to a field full of dead grass, and he walked towards the middle of it.  He laid flat on his back and stared blankly up at the sky until dusk hit, the sun dipping beneath the horizon in messy watercolors.

     How he wished Dean was here.

***************

     It had been almost a week now, and Cas hadn’t bothered to stop again.  He had just kept driving, and driving, and driving, until the roads all looked the same and the quiet was killing him.

     He supposed he could turn on the radio, but every song reminded him of Dean.  The love songs, the breakup songs, the songs about drinking too much.  It was reaching a point where he couldn’t get away from the man.

     And what a man he was, with the freckles that dotted his face like constellations and a soul more beautiful than any other.  With that excited, childish laugh and the voice that sounded like smooth whiskey and cigarettes.  Those eyes, bright green and carrying the weight of the world while still managing to shine as bright as the sun.  The way that he would and had sacrificed everything for his baby brother, and spent his life saving the world.

     The tone of a phone ringing interrupted his thoughts.

     Cas picked it up immediately, sure that Dean’s safety was at risk.  “Is he okay?”

     Sam cleared his throat on the other end, automatically knowing what he was talking about.  “He’s fine.  Physically, at least.  Otherwise he isn’t, uh, doing so hot.”

     “Why not?”  He asked curiously.

     “I don’t know,” Sam answered.  “Think it might have something to do with the Mark.  You made any progress?”

     Cas bit his lip.  “No.”

     “Well, then can you come back?  I think maybe I can figure something out, but I can’t just leave Dean alone.  He needs some sort of support system with him, and I don’t want to call Charlie again,” Sam pleaded.

     “I don’t think he would want me, Sam,” Cas muttered.

     “Why the hell not?”

     “It doesn’t matter,” he sighed, deciding to give up.  “Fine.  I can be there in two days’ time.”

     “Thanks, Cas,” Sam replied happily and hung up.

   He turned the car around and sped up.  There was a hell of a lot of driving to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter title is a song by Panic! At The Disco


	2. Kids in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are awkward between Dean and Cas.

     Cas arrived to the bunker at about midnight.  The sky was a dark blue, and he remembered the night that the angels fell.  That his whole world came crashing down in one fatal swoop, one last blow to a dying man.

     He took it back.  The real last blow was when he decided to kiss Dean.

     The door creaked as it opened, and he tried to creep silently through the house.  He found the effort to be pointless, however, when he encountered Dean sitting drunk at the kitchen table and eating a cheeseburger.

     Dean’s head turned to Cas.  “Hey, buddy,” he muttered through a mouthful of the food.  “You coulda’ said goodbye before you left, y’know.”

     Cas looked down.  “I did not wish to bother you, especially not after…”

     “After you got all gay on me,” Dean slurred.

     He nodded.

     “‘S okay, I guess.  It wasn’t like it was a bad kiss.  I sound so stupid right now,” he giggled.  “Like I love you or somethin’.”

     The words stung, and Cas cleared his throat.  Of course Dean didn’t love him, he knew that.  It had been obvious from the moment they met.  Their bond could only ever reach friendship, and even that was strenuous for Dean.  “I am going to go get you a glass of water, which you will drink and then go to bed,” he informed him and stalked off to go get it.

     When he came back, Dean had fallen asleep on the table, and was drooling onto the plate.  Cas let out a bitter chuckle and lifted him up, wrapping an arm around his waist and practically dragging him back to his room.

     He put Dean on the bed and proceeded to tuck him in, having to resist kissing him yet again.

     “Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said with a smile.  He walked back to his room and prayed to his father that this was all a dream, because he really couldn’t stand another minute of being in love with Dean.

***************

     The next morning was undeniably uncomfortable.  Cas walked into the kitchen and grabbed Dean some water and painkillers, which he brought to his room before realizing that Dean wouldn’t want him there.  Not after what he had done.

     “Thanks, Cas,” Dean said into his pillow.  He sounded incredibly hungover.

     “Are you alright, Dean?”  Cas asked, brows furrowing.

     He groaned.  “No.  I’m cold.”

    Without thinking, Cas laid down next to him and wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist.

     “You’re being gay again,” Dean complained, though he only nestled his head into Cas’ neck.

     “You don’t seem to mind it,” he teased.

     Dean rolled his eyes.  “I do.  ‘M just cold, and you’re like a freaking heater,” he protested.  “You can’t do it again, though.  What you did before you left.  I’m not a homo.”

      His face fell at the harsh words, but Cas nodded.  “Yes, I-  I know that.  I didn’t mean to kiss you, and it won’t happen again.  I promise.”

     “Okay,” Dean murmured, and then they rested like that for hours in silence.  Eventually Dean drifted back into sleep, snoring loudly and wrapping himself around Cas like an octopus.

     He certainly didn’t mind.

     But then Dean began panting in his sleep, murmuring frantic things under his breath.

     The man shook him awake, convinced he was having a nightmare.  “Dean, Dean!  Wake up!  Are you alright?”  He asked.

     Dean opened his eyes and realized that he was on top of Cas, quickly moving away and shifting.  “Uh, yeah,” he mumbled awkwardly, confusing the other.  Why was Dean acting so strangely over a nightmare?

     “It’s alright, Dean.  You aren’t going to hurt anyone else,” Cas assured him.

     In response, Dean shot him a look.  “I know.  What are you talking about, Cas?”

     “Your dream.  Was it not about injuring others?”

     His face flushed.  “No, it was a -”  Dean stopped, the implications of having a sex dream while he was all curled up with Cas hitting him.   “Yeah, a nightmare.  Sorry if I bothered you.”

     Cas shook his head.  “It was fine.  Now get up, and I will fix you breakfast.”

***************

     The next few days went smoothly.  There was no more cuddling, or mentions of the kiss.  It was as if everything had gone back to normal.  Then Dean had to stumble in one night drunk and reeking of sex.

     “Hey, Cassie!”  He called loudly.  “”Member the last time I wanted to get drunk, and you kissed me?”  Dean laughed.

     Cas, who was doing research at the table, looked down in shame.  He had thought that they could move past this, but evidently he was wrong.  “I apologized for that.”

     “There’s no need to apologize,” he giggled.  “‘Cause you know what?  I sorta’ liked it.”

     His jaw dropped.  “This is not funny, Dean.”

     He took a step closer to Cas.  “Never said it was.  Maybe we should kiss again, though, just to try it out.”

     Cas moved away, clenching his fists.  This was ridiculously unlike the heterosexual Dean that he knew, and it took all of his willpower to say, “No.  You need to go to your room, and I’ll go to mine.  Goodnight.”  He whirled around and was halfway to his room when he noticed Dean following him.

     “You need to go to sleep, Dean.”

    The man pouted.  “But Cas, I just want one kiss.”

     “No.”

     “Then can I sleep with you tonight?  Promise I won’t pull anything.”

     Despite his good intentions, Cas gave in.  He was already cursing himself by the time he nodded and let Dean stagger into his room and wiggle a finger at Cas.

     “C’mon, cutie, get into bed,” he purred, goofy smile on his face.

Cas rolled his eyes and got underneath the covers, pressing himself against Dean’s warm body.  He wondered how Dean would feel in the morning before pushing the thought from his mind.  They were there, together, right now, and that was all he could ever ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter title is a song by Mayday Parade


	3. Heart Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas fight; Sam pays them a visit.

     Cas had spent the night with Dean curled into him, and he couldn’t wipe the soft smile off of his face.  He had been dreaming about this for forever.  Of course the scenario had been quite different, but it didn’t matter at this point.  Here was Dean with his back against Cas’ stomach and his head tilted back into the crook of Cas’ neck.  He even got to have an arm wrapped around the beautiful man.

     “Morning,” Dean murmured, pausing for a moment before he remembered the events of the previous night and frantically threw Cas’ arm off of him and sat up.  “What the hell?”

     Cas flushed a bright red and sat up as well.  “Dean, I’m sorry, it’s just…”

     “It’s just you’re so gay for me that you can’t freaking control yourself.  You knew I didn’t really want that, that I was just drunk!”  He accused, and Cas bit his lip.  Dean was right, it was incredibly irresponsible of him.  The main reason he had accepted Dean’s pleas was his own greed, his desire for the man that he loved to love him back.

     He should have kept in mind that it would never happen.

     “Please, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

     Dean interrupted him.  “I don’t give a damn what you did and didn’t mean to do!  What matters is that you pretty much took advantage of me.  I can’t believe that you would do that, Cas!”

     His voice was faltering and barely under his control.  “I’m sorry,” Cas whispered brokenly.

     “Whatever,” Dean muttered and stood up.  “I get that I need someone here to make sure I don’t go on a killing spree or whatever, but I don’t wanna’ see you again.  Not for a while.”  He walked out, shaking his head,  and the door clicked quietly behind him.

     Cas pulled the blankets close around him and closed his eyes.  He didn’t deserve to do anything but think about what a piece of shit he was.

***************

     Days had passed without him seeing Dean.  Cas only left his room in the dead of night to creep into the library and see what he could find on the Mark.  He wondered if Sam was making progress, but didn’t bother to call.  Surely he wouldn’t want to hear from someone who had hurt his brother.

     It was funny, but Cas had always considered himself a sort of protector for Dean.  He had never imagined, not even in his wildest dreams, that he would be the one he needed protection from.

     When Sam came by the bunker, it was a complete surprise.  Cas hadn’t expected him back for almost a month.  “Hey,” the moose called as he walked in.  “I brought food!”

     Cas came out of his room to check in and see what had happened, and he saw Dean seated at the table with his face full of burger.  His mind flashed back to the drunken night where he had allowed such a stupid mistake to happen.

     “Sam?  May I speak with you in private?”  He requested, and they went off into the library.

     “What the hell is going on with you two?”  Sam asked, looking fairly pissed.  “I leave you guys here for a week and a half, and this is what I come back to?”

     Cas looked down.  “I am afraid I accidentally made some-  advances, one could call them- on Dean,” he mumbled.

     Sam’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened.  “And by advances, you mean romantic ones?”

     “Yes,” he admitted.  “It was a mistake and I know that I should not have done it.”

     Sam paused for a minute, mulling over the news.  Cas was sure that he was going to yell at him for doing something so stupid and making Dean uncomfortable and angry.

     “Listen, man.  I don’t know exactly how my brother feels about you romantically speaking, but you make him happier than anyone else but me has.  You’re really important to him, Cas.  I’m guessing he’s pissed?”

     Cas nodded and smiled at what Sam had said.  Maybe Dean would at least forgive him, and things could go back to normal.

     “You should try to talk to him.  I get that neither one of you are feelings guys, but you can’t stay like this forever.  Alright?”

     He nodded again.  “Now tell me, what progress have you made on the Mark?”

***************

     Sam left after an awkward dinner with both Dean and Cas, neither of whom made any effort to converse.  Cas washed the plates himself, instead of just leaving them there like Dean usually did.  When he was done, he took a deep breath.  It was necessary to go talk to Dean, absolutely necessary.  There was no other way to repair their friendship.

     So, he put on the bravest face he could muster and approached him.  “Dean,” Cas began, “I know that I have disappointed you, and while that was not my intention, I can promise you it won’t ever happen again.  I am not asking you to forgive me yet, just speak to me.  Please.”

     Dean was quiet for a moment, but he stood up from his place at the table to face Cas.  “Hey, we’re friends, man.  We have that profound bond shit going on, like you said before.  But I can’t just pretend that this didn’t happen.  That you didn’t kiss me and say that you wouldn’t pull that again, then cuddled with me while i was drunk.  I dunno’ what to tell you.”

     He looked down and cleared his throat.  “I understand.  Maybe it’s better if we do just continue to ignore each other.  To pretend that the other does not exist.”

     Shaking his head, Dean sighed in frustration.  “You don’t get it, that’s not what I want.  I mean, we should still be friends, but…”

     “But I’m too ‘gay for you,’” Cas mocked.

     “That wasn’t the point!”  Dean protested.

     “Then what was?”  Cas asked, beginning to grow impatient.  He just wanted a yes or no as to whether they could return to their former state of being.

     “The point was that- it was that-”  Dean stopped and ran a hand through his hair.  “It doesn’t matter.  We can start talking, alright?  You’re the one that stopped coming out of your room in the first place.”

     He frowned.  “You yelled at me.  I assumed that you didn’t want to see me, that you were too angry to stand the sight of my face.”

     Dean rolled his eyes.  “I’d never get that angry with you.  I just, well, you wouldn’t get it.  It isn’t important anyway.  Just go to bed, Cas.”

     He relented, but didn’t do anything but toss and turn in his bed all night.  Dean’s face of disgust was etched into his mind like etchings on marble, and it was impossible to do anything because of it.

     Cas wondered if Dean was sleeping, if those beautiful emerald eyes were closed, if he was snoring, if he was cold.

 Cas wondered if Dean was dreaming about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is a song by the 1975


	4. Alone Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes out and gets drunk.

 

     It was hard to keep going when he knew that Dean was still upset with him, despite that fact that they now had occasional awkward conversations.  The whole thing was endlessly frustrating.  Cas just wanted to shake him, to scream, to yell out that he loved him and there was nothing he could do about it.

     But every word that he wished to speak was caged firmly within his mouth.

     It wasn’t too bad at first.  He began to write things that he wanted to say down instead of actually telling them to Dean.

      _I miss you_ , one page read.

      _I wish you were happy_ , the next said.

      _You’re going to be okay, I promise,_ were the words on the last.

     Writing still didn’t feel like enough.  This words were too much and not enough all at once, and Cas needed something back from Dean.  Some semblance of a promise that it wouldn’t be like this forever, that someday they could go back to normal even though Cas knew they never could.

     He shook and tore at his bedsheets and screamed into his pillow in the dead of night.  The hole that formed inside of him when he first became a human was only growing larger and larger, searching for some sense of fulfillment that Cas couldn’t find.  He needed to feel whole again.

     So he left Dean alone for the night and went out drinking at the local bar.  He downed shot after shot, slamming them on the table and asking for another.

     “Sir, we aren’t allowed to give you anymore alcohol,” the bartender told him with a fearful look.  Cas supposed his appearance at the moment was a bit intimidating, but that wasn’t a bad thing in this case.

     He nodded before standing up and starting to walk out.  All he needed to do was drive a couple miles to the nearest bar and get more drinks there.  Then, he felt a firm hand on his shoulder.

     “Hey,” the voice chirped.  Cas turned to see a beautiful girl, with long brown hair and green eyes.  She looked sort of like a watered down, female version of Dean.  He didn’t want to have to deal with her.

     “What do you want?”  He asked, tone of voice conveying his extreme irritation.

     She didn’t give up, only flashing her best smile at him.  “You can take me home, if you want.  My place is just down the street.”

     Cas was about to say no when a genius idea struck him.  Many people had casual sex.  Even he had once had sex, though mostly because he felt he owed it to April, who was actually out to kill him.  Nonetheless, it hadn’t been extremely awful.  He could put up with it again if it helped him forget Dean.

     “Okay,” he agreed.  “I will come with you.”

     The drive to her place was uncomfortable, but once they got inside and she started kissing him it was even more so.  This wasn’t fun, it was painful.  All he could think about was those green eyes boring into him, scolding him for being so promiscuous.

     The moment that she took off her shirt, Cas backed away.  “I apologize for leading you on,” he muttered, “But I cannot do this.”

     He needed to go have another drink.

***************

     When he staggered in that morning after hitting his third liquor store, Dean was waiting for him.

     “What the hell have you been doing?”  He asked, standing up and shoving him.  “You had me worried as hell, Cas!  I thought there was some sort of freaking emergency, that you were hurt!”

     Cas raised his eyebrows in surprise.  “Why do you even care, Dean?”  He asked.

   “Because we’re friends, you asshat!”  Dean yelled.

     “You certainly aren’t acting like it!”  

     “Well, maybe it’s because you had to be a total dipwad and kiss me!”

     That again.  Cas sighed.  “Please don’t bring that up.  I already apologized.”

     “Why the hell not?  You’re the one that did it, you don’t get to take it back!”

     “I don’t want to take it back!  At least I got one kiss, which is better than holding everything in until you become a demon, Dean!”  Every part of the statement was a lie, and it seemed to make Dean furious.  But inside of punching Cas like he suspected he would, he pressed their lips together.

     Bright fireworks were bursting in his mind, shooting through the sky and leaving streaks of color just like the taste of Dean would inevitably be left on his mouth after this.  It was an incredible taste, like beer and chips and something he had never encountered before.

     Suddenly the lips were gone, and he opened his eyes.  Dean was wiping his mouth clean.  “I didn’t mean to do that.  Just don’t talk about it ever again, or I swear to God, I will stop talking to you.”  His figure retreated around the corner, and Cas had to put a hand on the wall for support.  This was so damn unbelievable that he figured it was just his drunken imagination.  Even so, it was a hell of a good daydream.

     Despite the awful ending, of course.

     Cas made his way back into his own bedroom, and slid out of his trenchcoat.  He fell onto his bed and opened his computer, going to the video site that Dean had showed him before everything went to hell.  He picked one of his favorite sad songs and let it play on repeat as he played the kiss over again in his mind.

     He wished he had waited and let his first kiss be with Dean.

     His eyes closed, and a smile crossed his face.  No matter what may happen come morning, this was one of the best days he’d ever had.  Second, of course, to pulling Dean out of Hell and meeting him.  Although, he didn’t particularly enjoy being stabbed.

     Cas imagined what it would be like to have Dean really want to kiss him, instead of doing it by accident.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is a Fall Out Boy song


	5. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean argue.

     Dean had barely said a word to him all day, and Cas was growing more and more frustrated.  Dean was the one that had kissed him this time, and it wasn’t fair that he was the one paying for it.  Even though the man had said not to bring it up, Cas decided that he had to.

     He walked to Dean’s room, breathing hard the whole way.  He couldn’t believe that he was actually going to do this.  Knocking softly on the door, Cas bit at his lip.  The idea of Dean never talking to him again loomed over him like a storm cloud, but he knew that he couldn’t just ignore this.

     “Go away,” he heard from inside the room.  “I don’t wanna’ hear what I know you’re gonna’ say.”

     Cas sighed.  “Dean, whether you want to hear it or not, I am going to tell you.  You can either let me in or I’ll tell you from here.”  He paused for a moment, but there was only silence.  “Fine.  I need you, Dean, platonically or not.  You cannot just distance yourself from me like this because of a mistake that you made!”

     “Can, too.  Besides, it was sorta’ your mistake.  I mean, you did kiss me first,” Dean muttered.

     “You kissed me last!”

     “And you kissed me back!”  He protested.

     Cas rolled his eyes.  “I understand that you believe you’re heterosexual, and perhaps that’s not even the reason that you have no interest in me.  But perhaps you could be heterosexual with an exception, if you wanted to be.”

     “I don’t need no damn exception, because I’m straight,” Dean insisted, though he sounded hesitant.

     “Alright, I understand.  I just don’t understand why you kissed me if you do not have some form of attraction towards me.  That is what kissing signifies, correct?”

      Dean sighed.  “Why I kissed you doesn’t matter.  And you were supposed to forget this whole thing!”

      “It’s not like I can forget when I still taste you on my mouth, despite brushing my teeth three times!”  He yelled.  “Stop being a coward and talk to me without this door between us!”

     There was a shuffling noise and the door swung open.  “Don’t you ever call me a coward,” Dean ordered.

      “Then stop being one and admit you have feelings for me!”  Dean had to have feelings for Cas.  He kissed him, that had to mean something.  Didn’t it?

     “I-”  He paused.  “I’m straight.  I can’t have feelings for you.”

     “Stop blaming it on your nonexistent heterosexuality!  I know the way you flirt with that bartender, Dean!  Now tell me whether or not any of this is even worth it,” he commanded.

     Instead of saying anything, Dean became flustered.  He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but only slammed the door in Cas’ face.

     “I’m never worth it.  Thought you would have learned that by now.”

     “I’ll be in my room when you realize that you are, and so am I,” he muttered.

     It was unlikely Dean would ever take him up on the offer.

***************

 

     At around three in the morning the following night, there was a soft rapping on his door.  “Cas?”  Dean asked.  “Can I come in?”

     A smile bloomed on his face.  “Yes, Dean.  Of course.  Why are you here?”

     The door clicked shut behind him.  “I, uh, wanted to talk to you.”

     Cas nodded and moved over, patting the empty space next to him on the bed.  “About the events of earlier, I apologize for my behavior.  It was, to say the least, rude.”

     Dean shrugged.  “It’s fine.  That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.”  He sat down hesitantly and gave Cas a look.  “I thought about what you said.”

     “Oh?”

     “Yeah.  And maybe that exception thing ain’t all too bad.  You know, it doesn’t have to mean I’m not straight.  I can just be a little flexible, for you,” Dean offered, his cheeks burning fiery red.  They reminded Cas of the flowers he had glimpsed while they were driving a long time ago.

     He tried to conceal his happiness, though he was sure he was failing.  “I don’t want to force you into anything.  Our relationship doesn’t have to change.”

     “I dunno’ if that’s true, Cas.  God knows I’ll never be able to look at you again without thinking about that kiss.”

     “And are those thoughts positive, or negative?”  He inquired.

     Dean bit his lip.  “Positive, I guess.  It was weird, kissing a guy.  But nice, I think, in a way it wasn’t before.”  There was a second of silence before he continued.  “What do you want from me?”  He asked.

     “Whatever will make you happy,” Cas answered truthfully.

     “I don’t know what’ll make me happy.  I don’t know if I wanna’ marry you, or never look at you again.  I don’t know shit.”

     “Maybe we could take things slowly,” he suggested.  “For tonight, we could just sleep in this bed together.  If you wish.  And we will see where things progress from there, whether that be a relationship or something else.  Would that be okay?”

     Dean nodded and laid down, Cas joining him.  “Would you like to talk for a bit, Dean?  Discuss how we feel?”

     “You’re a sap,” Dean said, rolling his eyes.

     “Is that a yes or a no?”

     “Whatever.”

     “So, talk,” Cas instructed.

     “I dunno’, man.  I just want both of us to be okay, and Sammy, too.  Is that too much to ask for?  To have everyone be healthy and not falling apart at the freaking seams?  Because that’s what I’m doing, Cas, what all of us are doing, and I can’t take another minute of it,” he rambled.

Cas wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist, and let him talk until he fell asleep.  It was a miracle that he had gotten lucky enough to be Dean’s friend, much less get to sleep in the same bed as him.  It was a strange kind of personal that he hadn’t encountered with anyone before, one that he certainly didn’t mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is an Ed Sheeran song


	6. You Kill Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fighting and making up.

     Throughout the night, Cas couldn’t take his mind off of Dean.  The same adjectives and descriptions of him coursed through his brain, along with new ones that appeared sporadically as he watched him dream.  As Dean’s eyes blinked open slowly, Cas tried to take a mental picture.  He didn’t want to ever forget how he looked in such a vulnerable state, not on the attack as he always was when he was awake.

     “Good morning,” Cas murmured softly and curled his fingers in Dean’s hair.  “Did you sleep well?”

     Dean frowned at the sight of Cas and cleared his throat.  “Uh, yeah.  I’m gonna’ go have breakfast, alright?”  He got off of the bed and walked out of the room, letting the door swing shut behind him.  Although he tried not to be hurt, that stung a bit.  It felt like Dean was embarrassed to have even been near him.

     When he felt like Dean should have cooled off some, he proceeded into the kitchen to confront him.  “Dean, you can’t get upset every time we have some sort of contact.  It’s ridiculous.”

     Dean glared at him.  “That’s not fair of you,” he sighed.

     ‘How is it not fair?”

     “I can’t help it, alright?  I wasn’t raised to be some sort of gay, Cas, I’m not like you.”

     “You think that I was raised to be this way?  It’s your fault that I have these feelings!”  he accused.

     “It’s your fault that you can’t freaking control yourself!”  Dean yelled and stood up, his chair toppling over.

     “That may be, but it’s not as if you don’t have feelings for me as well!  We’ve sacrificed so much for each other, Dean!  The only person that you care about more than me is Sam!”

     Dean couldn’t argue that point, so he struggled with words for a brief minute.  “Yeah, well, screw you!”

     Cas didn’t know who initiated it, but there was a sudden clash of lips, and Dean was pushed against the wall.  “Screw you,” he muttered into the other’s mouth angrily, grabbing his hips in a tight grip.  “Screw you and how righteous you are, how selfless, and beautiful, and amazing, and-”

     “Shut up, Cas,” Dean interrupted and bit his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.  He dragged him into the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes along the way.

     As Cas moved to strip Dean of his boxers, his hand dashed down to pull them back into place.  “Wait, I’m-  I’m not ready for this yet,” he said, rather embarrassed.

     The second that the words came out of his mouth, Cas was back up with his hands far away from any part of Dean.  “I’m very sorry,” he apologized.

     “No, I’m the one that should be sorry.  It’s just that, I dunno’, I’ve never really done this with anyone that I liked a lot before.  I mean, besides Lisa and Cassie, but they started off with sex, and that was different anyway.  They aren’t you,” he explained.  “Besides, you’re a guy.  I have no freaking idea how to have sex with a guy.”

     Cas blushed and moved to lay next to Dean.  “I should not be as pleased with that as I am.  I feel like that makes me a little important.”

     “You’re a hell of a lot more than a little important, Cas,” Dean said with a smile.

***************

     Though the mornings were still awkward, they continued to sleep in the same bed.  Not every night, of course, because Dean would often need a break.  They still fought quite often, over small things and big things.  It was usually the same argument.

     “Cas, I’m not ready for commitment yet.”

     “Dean, I’m not trying to pressure you, but I don’t see why you have so much trouble agreeing to a mutual decision not to sleep with anyone else,” Cas complained.

     “Because that’s called a relationship, and I don’t wanna’ be in a relationship with a dude!”

     “I’m technically agender, this being only a vessel!”  He retorted.

      And so on.

      Honestly, it was getting more difficult for Cas to cope with not having Dean all to himself.  Almost every night he would go out and get drunk and have sex, then come home and curl up with Cas and pretend that everything was okay.

     Well, it wasn’t.  It was infuriating that he wasn’t enough for Dean, and there was something he had to do about it.  He had promised himself he would never get another vessel, but perhaps that would be an option, if Dean wanted it.  Maybe Dean would love him if he had a female vessel.

     Maybe it shouldn’t matter.

     “Dean?”  Cas asked as they rested in bed, Dean’s head on his shoulder.  “Would it please you if I were to abandon this vessel, and adopt a female one in its place?  Would that be what it takes to make you happy, to be able to commit to me?”

     “What?  ‘Course not, Cas.  I mean, I don’t wanna’ make you do something that you don’t wanna’ do,” he answered.

     “I would do it, if that’s what it took,” he muttered.

     “No.  I don’t want you to hurt someone just for me.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.  I like you the way you are, even though it would be a hell of lot easier if you were a chick.”

     Cas smiled and nodded.  “Goodnight, Dean.  Sleep well.”  The chirping of crickets sounded in the background, and he closed his eyes.

Dean liked him the way that he was, and even though that didn’t make everything alright, it made it much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by Sleeping With Sirens


	7. Top of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas are, for once, pretty damn happy.

     “Fine!”  Dean yelled, in the midst of one of their fights.  It was pathetic.  Cas couldn’t even remember what they were arguing about this time.  It was something stupid, like who forgot to buy groceries, and had evolved into an furious screaming match.  That was happening more and more often, almost as if they were trapped within a permanent, inescapable cycle of anger.

     “What do you mean, fine?”  Cas asked, flecks of spit flying through the air.  “Nothing is fine, anymore, Dean!”

     “Fine, I’ll be your damn boyfriend, like you want me to.  Is that better, Cas?  Are you freaking satisfied?”

     His eyes widened in shock, and he was completely taken aback.  Out of all the things Dean could have done, that was the one he least expected.  “What?”

     “I’ll be your boyfriend,” Dean grumbled.

     “I didn’t-  it was not my intention- to pressure you into doing this.”

     Dean sighed.  “You aren’t pressuring me.  I’m not five, I can make my own decisions.”

     “I know, it’s just… I’m very surprised.  Why would you agree to be my boyfriend in the midst of a dispute?”

     “Because, you were pissing me off.  Figured it was the best way to get you to shut up.”

     “That’s unreasonable, Dean.  Why would you say yes to get me to be quiet when you could have just asked me to cease and desist?”

     He rolled his eyes.  “You trying to get me to admit I wanted to date you this whole time?”

     “Yes.”

     “Then sure, whatever.  I guess that’s true.  Will you get off my case now?”

     Cas nodded and smirked at him.  “Only if you will cuddle with me.”

     “Deal,” Dean agreed,” and they rushed into the bedroom to spend the night that way.

***************

     Sam arrived to stay on a cold night in October, about a month after he first left.  Cas and Dean were on the bed, kissing lazily when they heard the door open.

     “Shit,” Dean muttered.  “That must be Sammy.”

     “Do you wish to keep our relationship hidden from him?” Cas asked, sitting up and moving away from Dean.  The lack of contact wasn’t something he enjoyed, but it was necessary.  They needed to go greet Sam, and see what he had found out.

     Dean flushed.  “Can we?  I’m not sure how he would react to it, so maybe we could just keep it on the down low for now.”

     Cas nodded.  “Come on, we should go say hello.  Hopefully he has brought hamburgers.”

     They said hello to Sam, and Cas was paranoid that he would be able to somehow detect the change in atmosphere.  The way he and Dean kicked at each other under the table, the small giggles and long glances, the casual bumping of shoulders.

     “So, how have you guys been?”  Sam asked.

     “Alright,” Cas answered as Dean responded, “Fine and dandy.”

     “Anything unusual happen?  Any great hunts or something?”

     They paled, realizing that they’d only gone on three hunts in the total time they’d been left alone.  “Not really.  Everything was pretty vanilla,” Dean said with a smile.

     Sam looked confused, but nodded and continued to eat.  The rest of dinner was filled with the occasional comment, or a jab between the brothers.  It was nice, and Cas realized how much he had missed this routine.  It was like nothing that he ever had with his brothers and sisters in Heaven, something that he enjoyed more than words could express.

     After dinner, Sam went into the living room with Dean to talk with him in private.  As they walked away, Cas could tell how nervous Dean was.  He was biting his lip, and a thin sheen of sweat coated his upper lip.

     He knocked on Cas’ door about ten minutes later, a hesitant tap.

     “Come in,” he called, and Dean did as he was told.

     “Sam knows something’s up.  I mean, I gave him a bullshit story about bonding on a hunt, but I don’t think he bought it,” Dean informed him.  “I don’t know what to do.  He can’t find out, Cas, he can’t find out.”

     Cas stood up and approached him, kissing him softly.  “What exactly are you worried about?”  He asked.

     Dean shrugged.  “I don’t want him to hate me because I’m all gay for you,” he answered.

     He giggled at the ridiculous notion.  “Dean, how could Sam ever hate you for something as inconsequential as your sexuality?  He has given everything for you, time and time again, and you need to realize that just because you don’t think you’re worth it doesn’t mean that’s how others see you.  It might be a shock, but it won’t change his opinion of you.”

     His face grew tomato red with childish glee.  “Do you really think so?”  Dean asked.

     Cas nodded.  “Of course.”

     Dean pushed him back onto bed and pounced on top of him.  “Thanks, Cas.  Maybe I should give you a little present, for how much you’ve helped me tonight?  If you want it, obviously.”

     Face flushing in wonder at what Dean meant, he nodded.  “I would accept anything that you wished to give me.”

     Dean clumsily unzipped Cas’ jeans and kissed him.  “Gonna’ make you feel so good, babe.”

    And he did.

 

***************

     They collapsed in a hot, sweaty pile, clothes discarded in a pile on the floor.  “I’m getting the vibe that you liked that.  Is that accurate, or?”  Dean asked.

     Cas chuckled and wrapped a lazy arm around him.  “More than accurate.  Thank you.  I loved that.  Could we, perhaps, do it again sometime?”

     Dean nodded and gave him a peck on the cheek.  “We should probably go take a shower.”

     “Okay.  Do you wish to go first?”

     “I meant together, you dipwad.  Now come on.”  He tugged him upwards, and they stumbled into the bathroom together.

     The water was warm and soapy, and the experience felt like all Cas could ever ask for.  They slept in the same bed again, and Dean didn’t even leave to go to a bar.  It was almost perfect.

     If only he knew how wrong things would soon go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by The All-American Rejects


	8. Everlasting Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much just winter fluff.

     For two months and four days, there was complete bliss.  They told Sam the day after they first had sex, over a breakfast of eggs and bacon.

     “What the hell were you guys doing last night?”  Sam asked, eyebrows raised, as he shoveled food into his mouth.  “It was loud enough to wake the freaking dead.  Were you moving stuff around in your room or something?”

     Cas looked to Dean, who gave a hesitant nod, before answering.   “We were having sex.”

     There was a completely awkward silence.  He glanced back at Dean, who swallowed thickly and looked as if he had just seen a ghost.  Cas hoped that Sam would not be too angry and completely contradict what he had said to Dean the night before.

     “Well, that mental image totally got rid of my appetite.  Try to keep it a little more quiet next time, okay, guys?”  Sam pleaded and got up to put his plate in the sink.  “I’m gonna’ try and get some more research done.  Maybe you could help out a little later, Cas,” he suggested with a forced smile and left the room as fast as he possibly could.

     After a minute, they looked back to each other and Dean burst out in laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation.  Even Cas ended up laughing, and by the time the giggles had passed they both had tears in their eyes.

***************

     November came, and the chilly breeze turned into sharp, biting, cold wind.  Dean went out for hunts more often, but he took Cas with him, and so it was nice.  Just hours in the car with all three of them, the only family he had.  The brothers would occasionally bicker over minor things like the music and whether or not Dean needed to slow down.

     “We’ve been listening to Kansas for the past three hours, Dean,” Sam complained.  “Can we change it to the radio for fifteen goddamn minutes?  Please?”

     Dean rolled his eyes, but switched it to a local pop radio station, on which they were playing a song Cas had never heard before.  He did quite like the beat, though, and the voice was very appealing.

     Sam raised an eyebrow at Dean.  “Are we really going to listen to Taylor Swift?  I would have guessed she wasn’t manly enough for you.”

     “Shut up and let me hear my song,” Dean muttered and cranked the volume up so that the car was pounding with the lyrics.  He found himself singing them under his breath, and Dean even sang along.  It would suffice to say that Cas liked the car rides almost as much as being at the bunker.

***************

     “Can we watch a Christmas movie?”  Cas asked, looking down at Dean from where the taller man was snuggled into him.

     “You’re into the whole Christmas thing now?”  Dean asked, sounding a little disgusted.

     He nodded.  “I would like to see more of human tradition, yes.  Does that bother you?”

     “I guess not.  I’ll pick one for you.”

     By the end of the movie, Cas was singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at the top of his lungs.  “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose!”  He called, not only out of tune, but also serious.

     Dean laughed and turned to look at him.  “Don’t quit your day job, Cas,” he teased.

     Cas stopped, feeling confused.  “I have no day job.  All I do is tag along on hunts and be your boyfriend.”

     He rolled his eyes.  “Nevermind.  Do you wanna’ watch another one?”

     When Cas said yes, Dean grinned and put in another cheesy movie, this time Christmas Vacation.  They made it through five more movies before Dean fell asleep in his arms.

     The following day, Cas woke Dean up by nudging him softly.  “Dean,” he murmured.  “Let’s go play in the snow.”

     Dean groaned and buried his face in the couch.  “I’m tired.  Don’t wanna’.”

     Ten minutes later, they were all bundled up and heading out.  They were planning to  head a couple miles out to an inevitably empty park, where they could do whatever they wished to.

     Firstly, Dean decided to teach Cas how to make a snow angel.  He got down on the cold ground and motioned for Cas to do the same.  “Come on.  Now, spread your arms and legs out like this- yeah, that’s right-  and then move your arms in and out.  I think.”

     “You think?”  He asked, following the steps anyway.

     “It’s not exactly like my dad ever taught us, I’m just going by what I saw on T.V.”

     He frowned and tried to hide his dislike for John Winchester.  Even though he knew that the brothers loved him, he had practically abandoned them every couple of weeks to go on a hunt in which he could be killed.  Dean was the one who raised Sam, not him.  It was extremely irresponsible and damaged the boys in an irreparable way.

     “Okay, stand up carefully,” Dean instructed.  They did so and backed up, admiring the beautiful indentions in the snow, along the footprints alongside them.

     “They’re wonderful, Dean.  They remind me of home,” he said with a bitter smile, and wrapped his arms around him.  “Thank you.”

     Dean blushed, but hugged him back.  “You wanna’ build a snowman, or what?”  He asked, raising an eyebrow.

     It took a while to even roll the ball for the bottom part, as Cas wanted the snowman to look perfect.  He smoothed out the sides as Dean grumbled, dropping to his knees and helping.  “You are so lucky to have me,” he teased.

    “I know,” Cas said seriously.  Again, Dean blushed.

     “Shut up, Cas.  You’re such a freaking sap.”

      The snowman was finished within an hour, and Cas collected enough grass from underneath the snow to give him green eyes.

     “That’s my favorite color,” he informed Dean.

     “Why?”

     “Because your eyes are green, and you are my favorite person in the world, so it’s natural that you would reflect in small things that I enjoy.”

     Dean sighed contently.  “The things you do to me, Cas.  Now take a damn picture and let’s back to the bunker, yeah?”

***************

     The following week was bliss.  There was only lazy sex and cuddling by the fire, and the approaching excitement of Christmas.  Cas even went to the mall an hour or two away to buy Dean a new plaid shirt, something he needed direly.  All of his were getting holes.

     And then everything went to shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by Vampire Weekend


	9. Stained Glass Eyes and Colorful Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean leaves in the dead of night.

      All that was left was a note.  One single, faded yellow piece of paper that contained some of the most painful words Cas had ever read.

      He put off telling Sam for a whole three hours before his conscious consumed him.  The man deserved to know.  Of all people, he had a right to know.  Cas took slow steps to Sam’s bedroom, drawing out the walk for as long as possible.  He gave three light taps that served as knocks and tried not to collapse.

     The door swung open, and Sam immediately looked down at him with worry.  “Cas, what happened?  Are you okay?”

     The only thing he could manage to say was, “Dean.”

****************

      _“Dear Cas,_

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry for creeping off in the damn middle of the night, for telling you that I wasn’t feeling well when really, I was packing a suitcase.  For leading you on for so long, for pretending that I could ever get better, for being so selfish as to keep you for as long as I could._

_I do have stupid, sappy feelings for you; that wasn’t a lie.  I didn’t exaggerate how intense they were, either.  It’s just that I had to do this, I really did.  I’m spiraling downwards like a freaking hurricane and if I didn’t get away I was gonna’ take down you guys on the way._

_I know you’re hurt right now.  But really, I don’t matter.  You’ll move on, maybe find a nice girl.  Or guy, or neither.  You do you.   The point is, you’ll forget all about me.  That’s why I had to do this, because it was the only way to save you._

_You and Sammy can’t come looking for me.  It’ll distract you from the important things, and besides, you’ll never find me._

_Speaking of Sammy, take care of the kid.  Maybe he could settle down, you you know?  You guys could even get together sometimes with your families, have barbecues or whatever the hell normal people do.  It’ll be nice._

_I hope you end up happy._

_-Dean_

****************

 

     Cas had almost cried reading the letter.  He didn’t understand any of it.  He was sure that Dean was getting better, that everything would eventually be better if they both just kept fighting.  Evidently, he was wrong.

     This wasn’t fair, not at all.  What had Dean of all people done to deserve this?  He had even saved the world, and now he was being punished.  It must be his association with Cas, how much the man loved him.  It would poison them both.

     He was sitting with Sam, his hand fisted in the material of his trenchcoat.  This was impossible, and Cas could tell the giant felt the same way.  Dean would never, under any circumstances, leave them like this.  He had to know how much he mattered to the both of them, how he was their everything.

     But he must not have.  Cas could still smell him in the air, the scent of beer and burgers and cheap cologne and something that he couldn’t wrap his mind around.  Something that was unique to Dean.  He wanted to wrap himself up in the covers and melt into them, never to come out.

     “Cas,” Sam’s voice said gently, calling him out of his thoughts.  “Are you okay?”

     He nodded.  “I have to be.  Right?  There’s no other option, not when Dean is still out there.”

      “We need to find him.”

      “Can we go now?”

     “I don’t think either of us is exactly fit to drive,” Sam said with a chuckle.  “Why don’t we watch a Christmas movie and get wasted?”

     And so they did, drinking liquor until the early hours of the morning.  Cas had barely had enough to give him a buzz by the time Sam, who had been rambling nonsense for the past hour, fell asleep.  “Baby in a trenchcoat,” he had giggled before putting his head on Cas’ lap and passing out.

     Cas threw his head back.  He wanted Dean in his arms, instead of off far away.  He picked up the phone and dialed his number in an effort to get him to return.  The phone had kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and he was sure it was going to go to voicemail.  And then he heard the gruff, drunken voice of the man whose bed he had slept in just the night before.

     “Hello?”  Dean asked, clearing his throat.  “This is Agent Cool.”

     Cas rolled his eyes and blinked back tears.  “It’s Castiel.  Please never pick up the phone and pretend to be an agent while this intoxicated again.”

     “Cas.”  His voice broke.  “You’re supposed to be moving on.”

     “I can’t.  I really, really cannot.  Please, Dean, just-”

     “Just what?  Come back?  I can’t, and you know that.  I’m just gonna’ hurt you.”

     “You’re already hurting us,” he choked out.  “A lot.  Just return, and we can help you.”

     There was a pause, and Cas could tell that Dean was considering it.

     “I… I, uh, love you and Sammy, Cas.”

     “Dean!”

     The line went dead, filling his ears with static.  Cas slammed the phone down and got Sam out of his lap, storming into his room.  He didn’t know how to deal with this, wasn’t prepared to ever have to deal with this.

     He collapsed onto the bed and screamed into his pillow.  In the morning, he decided, they would start searching for Dean.

     And they wouldn’t give up until they found him, and saved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by Pierce the Veil


	10. Holding on to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Cas go looking for Dean.

     Sam woke up with a pounding hangover, and Cas couldn’t do much to cure it.  The alcohol would have to get out of his system by itself.  At any rate, they needed to leave so that they could retrieve Dean.

     “Hurry, Sam.  His trail is getting colder every second that we wait.”  It seemed like he was taking an eternity to eat breakfast, and they really needed to get on the road.

     “I know, Cas, I’m freaking trying.  Just give me some freaking leeway here,” he muttered, shoving the rest of the food down his throat.  He stood up and put the dish in the sink, and they walked out the door, leaving the bunker behind for God know what.

***************

     The car trips were much longer without Dean.  They seemed to drag on endlessly, emphasizing just how truly gone the man was.  Little details like his off key singing to ACDC, and the way that he would drum his fingers on the steering wheel.  Cas almost whimpered at the thought.

     It was incredibly hard, living without him and knowing that he might never get him back.  He was sure that he would feel it, if Dean died, that some explosion would go off in his mind that prohibited him from ever functioning again.

     Not that Cas would ever let him die again.

     A look must have crossed his face at just the thought, because Sam glanced over at him with worry.  “You okay, man?  You seem like you’re gonna’ be sick.”

     He nodded.  “I am fine.  You know that we cannot afford to stop.”

     And so on they went, traveling down the endless stretches of road all by themselves.  They didn’t even really know where they were going, and that was what bothered Cas the most.  That no matter how much they wanted to get him back, they couldn’t do it because they had no idea where to get him from.

     Suddenly, a thought struck him.  “We need to turn around,” Cas instructed.  “Now.”

     Sam was obviously confused from the way his eyebrows furrowed.  “What?  But we decided that Dean was gonna’ head to Bobby’s cabin up east.”

     He shook his head.  “That was a ridiculous, wild guess.  We need to go to Hannah.  She has immense power now, she can help.”

     Though he was doubtful, Sam agreed.  “Fine,” he muttered. and turned the car around.  In less than eighteen hours, they had arrived at the park where they could access her.

     “Hannah?”  Cas called out, as loudly as possible.  “We need you.  Please.”

      She appeared in a flash, glaring at them with a fire that would melt even the coldest of hearts.  “What do you want, Castiel?  I have business to attend to.”

      He glared right back.  “Dean Winchester has escaped.  You need to help us find and save him.”

     “And why would I do that?”

     “Because.  Eventually, if not contained, he’ll pose a serious threat to angels.  Dean Winchester as a full blown demon is not something that you want to face.”

     Hannah’s frown deepened as she considered the prospect, the havoc that Dean was bound to wreck especially if he got to be in league with the King of Hell again.  “I will help you, but there is a time limit.  You will have my assistance for a week, and no more.  168 hours only.  Is that understood?”

     Cas nodded and sighed in relief, the sound barely audible.  The tension went out of his shoulders, and his eyebrows unfurrowed.  “I do.  Thank you.”

     She shook her head.  “Do not thank me.  It is not you I am doing this for.”

     “I know.  But nonetheless, it is important to me in ways you can’t even fathom.  So, thank you.”

     “Just tell me where you want me to start looking, Castiel.”

     He took a deep breath.  “I would like if you could check the motels close to the bunker.  Expand with every day that Dean is gone.  Thank you.”

     Without a sound, she was gone and they were alone again.  Cas looked down in shame and realized he didn’t know what to do other than that.  He liked to think that he knew Dean, that they were close, but truthfully he had no idea where Dean would go in this situation.

     “We might wanna’ check with Crowley,” Sam suggested.

     “No.  He wouldn’t go there, not if he had any choice.”

      They stood there for a minute in silence, both trying to think of any solution to this problem.  “Jody,” Cas muttered, his eyebrows raising.  “I think he might wanna’ say goodbye to Jody.  We could talk to her and see if he told her where he was.  I doubt it, but it’s worth a try.”

     Sam shrugged.  “Okay.  We could call her while we’re driving.”

     Cas murmured in assent.  “Yes.”  He paused briefly.  “I have a theory.  It’s unlikely, but…  It’s plausible.”

     “What is it?”

     “I think he might go to Stanford.  It’s where all of this started, when he picked you up and things started to go to hell, as they say.  Even more so than it had when Azazel killed your mother.  It makes sense that he would want things to end there, to have gone full circle.”

     Sam thought it over, the wheels in his head spinning so intensely Cas could almost hear them.  “Yeah.  Yeah, that would make sense.”

     “Then let’s go.”

     And off they went.

***************

     Hannah hadn’t found anything, and Cas was losing hope.  How would he function if he lost Dean?  He couldn’t figure it out.  His whole world would shut down.  And now, he didn’t even know if he could find a way to bring his lover back again.

     “You okay?”  Sam asked.  He had been driving for the past two hours, and had started to grow worried about Cas.  He looked like he wanted to kill somebody, or maybe cry.

      “I am fine.  Thank you for your curiosity,” he responded, the words flying out sharper than he meant them to be.

     The silence took back over again, and Cas shifted so that he was facing the window and Sam could no longer see his face.  He didn’t want to look as vulnerable as he felt.  The emotions he was feeling now were flooding him, and he had no idea how to swim.

 So, in the next half hour, Cas made a decision:  He was going to find Dean, and he was going to save him, and no one was going to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by Twenty One Pilots


	11. Love Isn't Always Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Sam look for Dean.

     The sky was dark, a deep shade of blue that, oddly enough, reminded Cas of the way that Dean snored at night.  He let out a pained chuckle at the thought of how soft his stomach was when Cas’ arms wrapped around it, and the extent to which it amused him to constantly grind back into Cas’ crotch just to get him hard again.

     “Love the whole angel stamina thing you got going,” Dean would mumble, the smirk on his face almost audible.

     He missed that.

     They had been driving for hours now, and they were nearly at Stanford.  Another half an hour, maybe, and they would be there.  It would be difficult to track down Dean, even if he was in town, but it was all they could hope for.  Cas didn’t have any other ideas, any rational leads that they could follow.  Not that this one was totally rational, but it was the only thing that they had.

     Sam had suggested they split up and check the motels around Stanford, along with his old room.  So, he was scouting out the motels, and Cas was checking the dorm room.  He had crept up silently, praying the whole time that Dean would be there.

     Cas kicked the door down with what his boyfriend had teasingly addressed as his “angel mojo.”  He glanced around at the living room, which seemed empty, and then walked into the bedroom.  Empty.

     The bathroom was also empty.

     He checked every possible hiding place.  He looked to see if it seemed that Dean had gotten out earlier when he saw Cas coming, but that was nearly impossible.  There wasn’t a fire escape, or many doors except for the one he had appeared in front of.

     Dean just wasn’t there.

     Cas had to resist the urge to bring the whole building down.  He needed him back, needed him to be okay;  needed him, needed him, needed him.  And he couldn’t get him, because Dean was a stubborn asshat and didn’t want to be found.

     So, he went back to the motel, and they continued the search for days afterwards.  Everytime they went to scout out a place Cas expected to find him, but there was never even a trace of him.

    _Please,_ he would whisper under his breath as he walked in. _Please be here and love me again.  We’ll be fine, you can get better, you make me better, please._

     But it was time now to push those thoughts out of his mind.  By this time, Dean had probably moved on in the way that Cas never would.   His life would carry on as before, with the addition of the Mark and a lack of Sam.  He would sleep with a different woman almost every night, or maybe, now, a man.

     That didn’t mean that Cas wasn’t going to find him and make him alright.

***************

      Eventually, they were about to give up.

     “C’mon, Cas, it’s no use.  We need to look someone else.”  
He shook his head in protest.  “No.  We have no other ideas, Sam, what do you suggest we do?  Just go back to the bunker, or to hunting without Dean?  You’ll get killed if you try to hunt without him.  You aren’t at your best right now, and you know it.”  Cas could tell that the words stung, but he was so frustrated that he couldn’t bring himself to care.

     Sam stood, silent, for a minute.  “Fine,” he answered.  “How about another two days?”

     “A week.”

     “No.”

     And he was in Sam’s personal space, cocking an eyebrow in a way that Cas hoped was at least vaguely threatening.  “Yes.”

      After a brief pause filled with uncomfortable, angry tension, Sam nodded.  “If you really think we can get him back.”  The emotion had been drained from him, and now he just looked tired.  Cas could tell that he wanted Dean back just as much as he did, maybe even more.  He was everything for both of them, and he was gone.

     Cas backed away and responded, “Good.  In the morning we’ll go check out some of the bars and see if he’s been there.”

     Sam took the suggestion easily, as he was willing to do anything with a remote possibility of helping his brother.  In the morning, they headed out and went to all of the bars surrounding the university.  On the third one, it seemed like they got a lead.

     “Have you seen an incredibly sexy man, about two inches taller than me, light brown hair, dazzling green eyes?”  Cas asked, which warranted a look from both Sam and the bartender.  After rolling his eyes, though, the man answered.

     “I haven’t, but Layla (she works the night shift) said she slept with a man who looks like that a couple days ago.”

      Cas hadn’t expected a response like that, and it stung.  He had always hated the idea of Dean sleeping with so many people, when he deserved only the best, even before they were together.  But now it felt almost like a betrayal, though Cas knew that wasn’t what it was.  He was never good enough for Dean, anyway.  
“Can you ask her if she knows where he went afterwards?”

     He scribbled something on a napkin and slid it to them; it was a phone number.  “Ask her yourself.  I gotta’ get back to work.”

      With that, Cas picked up the number and dialed it, taking a seat at the bar.  Three rings later, the voice of a most likely hungover woman asked, “Who the hell are you?”

     That sounded like the kind of girl Dean would sleep with.

      “It doesn’t matter at the moment who I am.  I’m looking for a man, Dean Winchester?  He probably used an alias, but your friend at The Bar, which, by the way, is an awful name, said you slept by someone fitting his description a while ago.”

      There was an audible sigh.  “Alias?  ‘M guessing that’s the guy who called himself Freddy Jovi.  Knew he was pulling my leg.  Damnit.”

      And only Dean would use an alias that ridiculously stupid.

     “Yes, that was most likely him.  Do you know where he went after you slept together?”

      “Well, he just left this morning.  Or last night.  Don’t know which.  He should be somewhere near here.”

     “Thank you,” Cas said before hanging up.  He turned to Sam.  “What do you think?”

     “We need to go bar hopping tonight, until we find him.  It seems like his strategy is just staying over at the places of people that he sleeps with, so he should be at one of them.”

      Again, Cas hated the thought of Dean having sex with others, but at least now he knew that there was a reason besides him wanting it.  “Good.  And we’ll go separately, that way it’s faster.”

    As Cas learned, faster wasn’t necessarily better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a Black Veil Brides song


End file.
